40 Days and 40 Nights (2002)

Starring Josh Hartnett, Shannyn Sossamon, Vinessa Shaw, Griffin Dunne.
Directed by Michael Lehmann.
Written by Rob Perez.
Distributed by Miramax Films.
93 minutes.

jchensor's Rating: 3/10

40 Days and 40 Nights: The Cliffs Notes

The Tale of Sir Galahad

(Enter scene: it is raining in the middle of a dark, foggy forest. Sir Galahad struggles to cross the forest when he happens upon a castle. Above the castle, he sees a glowing image of a grail. He hobbles, weak from his travels, to the castle door.)

Sir Galahad: (Pounding the door.) Open the door! In the name of King Arthur, open the door!

(Door opens. Galahad falls to floor upon entering the castle. A female voice is heard from the side.)

Female voice: Hello.

(A female stands there, holding a torch. Behind her are four other young girls who are all blondes or brunettes, all 16 to 19-and-a-half years of age.)

Female: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

Galahad: Castle Anthrax?

Female: Yes. It's not a very good name, is it? But we are nice, and we will attend to your every need.

Galahad: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

Female: The what?

Galahad: The Grail. Is it here?

Female: But you are tired, and you must rest a while. (Calls out to two girls.) Midget, Crapper!

Girls: Yes, O Zoot?

Zoot: Prepare a bed for our guest.

Midget and Crapper: (Happily.) Thank you! Thank you!

Zoot: Away, away, varletesses. (The two girls leave. Turns to Galahad.) The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big. (Helps Galahad up.) What is your name, handsome knight?

Galahad: Sir Galahad, the Chaste.

Zoot: Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot. But come... (Starts to lead Galahad down a hallway.)

Galahad: No, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!

Zoot: You have suffered much. You are delirious.

Galahad: I have seen it. It is here!

Zoot: You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. I'm afraid our life must seem... very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes and brunettes... all between 16 and 19-and-a-half... cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oh, it is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing... making exciting underwear. We are not used to handsome knights. (Forcefully drags Galahad towards a bed.) Nay, come, come! You may lie here. (Galahad climbs onto the bed, somewhat reluctantly. Zoot examines Galahad.) Oh! But you are wounded!

Galahad: No, it's nothing. (Zoot tries to examine Galahad's crotch, but he brushes her away.)

Zoot: (Undeterred.) You must see the doctors immediately. (Galahad tries to get off the bed, but is forcefully pushed back down by Zoot.) No, please! Lie down. (Claps for some service. Two young girls, a blonde and a brunette that appear to be about 16 to 19-and-a-half years old, enter.)

First Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Galahad: They're doctors?!?

Zoot: They have basic medical training, yes. (Galahad again tries to get off the bed, and again is pushed back down by Zoot.) Come, come! You must try to rest. Dr. Piglet, Dr. Winston, practice your art. (Zoot leaves. The two doctors eagerly climb the bed to join Galahad. They take his shield away and begin to undo his belt.)

Dr. Piglet (or is it Dr. Winston?): Try to relax.

Galahad: Are you sure that's necessary?

Dr. Piglet: (Coyly) We must examine you. (Both girls continue their best to expose Galahad's crotch. Galahad tries to cover it back up.)

Galahad: There's nothing wrong with that!

Dr. Piglet: Please. We are doctors. (Continues to undress Galahad. Galahad spirngs forth from the bed.)

Galahad: No! This cannot be! I am sworn to chastity! (Galahad gathers his shield and flees from the bed.)

Dr. Piglet: Back to your bed at once!

Galahad: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail.

Dr. Piglet: There's no Grail here.

Galahad: I have seen it! (Runs out of the room.) I have seen---

Female Voice: (Interrupting) Hello!

Many Female Voices: Hello! Hello! Hello!

(The many voices of various female women, all blondes and brunettes of about 16 to 19-and-a-half years of age, can be heard. They all admire the handsome knight who has just entered the room. A couple of girls stand in very thin, white tunics, being bathed in water. Another stands with a lute in her hands. Others simply admire Galahad as he sheepishly stumbles through the room. Galahad looks around nervously. A few girls begin to approach him and get close... dangerously close... to Galahad and he tries to move away frm them. The girls in the thin, white, and wet tunics reach out to touch and caress Galahad as he is pushed by. More and more women try to touch him and slowly edge him throughout the room. Galahad struggles to resist the scores of blondes and brunettes, all of about 16 to 19-and-a-half years of age. He finally managres to leave the room. A lady jumps in his way and he tries to leave.)

Galahad: Zoot!

Zoot/Dingo: No. I am Zoot's identical twin sister Dingo. (Galahad tries to run past her.)

Galahad: Excuse me...

Zoot/Dingo: Where are you going?

Galahad: I seek the Grail. I have seen it here in this castle! (Zoot/Dingo ponders for a second.)

Zoot/Dingo: No! Oh NO! Bad, bad Zoot!

Galahad: What is it?

Zoot/Dingo: Wicked, bad, NAUGHTY Zoot! She has been lighting our beacon, which I've just remembered is grail-shaped. This is not the first time.

Galahad: It's not the real Grail?

Zoot/Dingo: Wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! (Turns to the camera.) Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it. But now we're glad! It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.

Right Head of Three Headed Giant: At least ours was better visually.

Peasant: At least ours wasn't just pussy jokes.

The Man From Scene 24: Get on with it!

Tim the Wizard: Yes! Get on with it!

Army: GET ON WITH IT!!

Zoot/Dingo: Oh, I am enjoying this scene!

God: Get on with it!!!

Zoot: (Shrugs.) Wicked Zoot! She must pay the penalty. (Leads Galahad back to the room where the scores of blondes and brunettes, all between the ages of 16 and 19-and-a-half years, were.) Here in Anthrax, we have one punishment for lighting the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her.

Girls: A spanking!

Zoot/Dingo: Spank her well, and after you have spanked her, deal with her as you like. Then... spank me.

Girl on the Side: And me!

All Girls: And me! And me! And me!

Zoot/DIngo: Yes! Give us all a good spanking! (Girls cheer.) And after the spanking? The oral sex!

Galahad: Well.. I...

Girls: Yes! Yes! The Oral Sex! The Oral Sex! (Galahad begins to warm up to the idea...)

Galahad: I could stay a bit longer...

Sir Lancelot: (Bursting in.) Sir Galahad! (Rushes up to Galahad and grabs him by the arm.) Quick! Quick! You are in great peril!

Zoot/Dingo: No, he isn't!

Lancelot: Silence, foul temptress!! (Threatens to stab Zoot or Dingo or whoever she is. Galahad stops him.)

Galahad: She's got the point!

Lancelot: We will cover your escape!

Galahad: I'm fine!! (Lancelot pushes him out of the room and towards the exit. The girls all make chase.) I can tackle this lot single-handed!

Zoot/Dingo: Let him tackle us single-handed!

Lancelot: (Leads Galahad out of the castle.) No, Sir Galahad. Come!

Galahad: (Desperately) I can handle this lot easily!!!

Zoot/Dingo: Let him handle us easily!

Galahad: Wait!! I can defeat them! There's only 150 of them!!

Zoot/Dingo: Yes! He can beat us easily! We haven't a chance!! (Lancelot forces Galahad out of the castle. All the girls watch helplessly as the knights leave the castle. Zoot/Dingo looks around at the girls in frustration.)

Zoot/Dingo: Oh... oh... Shit!

(Outside the castle. Lancelot continues to drag Galahad.)

Lancelot: You were in great peril.

Galahad: I don't think I was.

Lancelot: You were in terrible peril!

Galahad: Let me go back in and face the peril!

Lancelot: It's too perilous.

Galahad: My duty is to sample peril!

Lancelot: We've got to find the Holy Grail.

Galahad: Let me have a bit of peril!!

Lancelot: No, it's unhealthy.

Galahad: I bet you're gay!

Lancelot: I am not.

(End scene.)

note: If a seven-and-a-half minute scene was way too long for one joke to persist in one of the funniest movies ever made, imagine taking it and spreading it throughout 93 minutes of a very mediocre movie. Save your money, watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail instead, and enjoy 84 minutes of much funnier other stuff. Halfway through 40 Days and 40 Nights, all I could think to myself was...

"GET ON WITH IT!!!"

(The above dialogue was all transcribed from the Monty Python and the Holy Grail DVD and its subtitles. Copyright 2001 Columbia TriStar Home Entertainment.)

©James Chen, Mar. 8, 2002

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